If I had to describe what I experienced with you with a single word, that word would definitely be “wait”.
I was always waiting for something: that you are ready, that you stop being afraid of engagement, that you answer my messages, that you call me, that you choose me, that you are sure about us and, the list can go on and on.
If I had let you continue in and out of my life, I would still be waiting.
I could have given us millions of chances and maybe I did, I think the result would have been the same – it would never have worked because you would never have changed, you never would never have loved as I deserved, as I loved you.
Saying this does not make things easier but allows me to face reality once and for all.
I wasted too much time, hoping that you would eventually come, see me and understand how good we could have been together if you had given us a chance.
But you have never been able to, have you? You were emotionally disturbed, so scared of love that your only option was to keep me as far from your heart as possible.
You never talked too much, not important things at least. But those rare occasions when you opened up to me were the ones that pushed me to fall in love with you.
You hugged me so tightly, kissed me so passionately that I couldn’t help but think that you had sincere feelings for me. On those rare occasions, you were everything I had always dreamed of but the rest of the time, you were so distant …
I believe you did what was necessary to keep me close to you, but never close enough. This “necessary” worked for a while.
You knew you could always come back to me, no matter how many days we hadn’t seen each other, you knew I couldn’t do anything, except to let come back. You saw how deep my love was and you benefited from it.
I have never been the first of your priorities and it is something that you have proven to me a thousand times through your words and your actions. I was satisfied with crumbs, crumbs of attention and affection.
It was my biggest mistake, because I allowed you to treat me poorly. By being satisfied with this, I have become a simple option and it is impossible to accept being less than that in the eyes of someone who is our priority.
By being content with far less than I deserved, I never stopped hurting myself. By staying by your side, I never stopped breaking my own heart.
You kept telling me the stories I wanted to hear.
The most frequent being the one in which we end up together, one day when the timing is right; why spoil what we had, why need a label, why would people need to know about us.
You never stopped telling me about it and I kept believing you and even today, I don’t know why.
I suppose that when our heart is too invested, we cannot count on our common sense or our own eyes to see reality in the face.
My tears, many tears were the only thing capable of opening my eyes. As soon as I thought of you, I felt like I had hit a brick wall.
I gave you everything from me, my love, my understanding, my respect and my commitment and you never tried to do the same. You just took me for granted and assumed I would always be there.
Trust me, I thought the same thing for a while. But there was a revealing moment, which allowed me to see clearly.
It allowed me to understand that, if I stayed with you, in this atmosphere of “emotional lift”, I would fall ill.
Whenever I felt like we were going somewhere, you let me down. Whenever I believed in your promises, you disappointed me.
Whenever I was happy with something you had done, I paid the price in pain. That’s why, I had to put an end to it all.
I had to stop letting you treat me like this. I had to have enough respect for myself not to allow you to come back. I had to stop wasting my time and realize that you would never be ready.
I had to protect my heart because it couldn’t bear you to keep going in and out of my life.
I had to put my feelings for you aside and remember what I deserved. I had to move away from you to find myself, love myself and be happy again.
I had to become my first priority for you to stop treating me as an option.